...And my patience is "Pending".

My  bank account went into the red last night!  Damn! 

First, the check I wrote to walgreens for my medications has already hit the bank, before I could get the cash in there and second, one of those freakin trial program I signed up for hit me a day early.  So, I am $78 in the red.  There just is no winning, now matter how hard I try.  I am really getting tired of this struggle.  How is anyone supposed to survive like this?  It's not bad enough that I have this God-damn disease that makes me sick as hell all of the time...I have to be penniless too.  (And don't say, "OMG, she just took the Lord's name in vain!)  Any real Christian knows that "taking the Lord's name in vain means to say, like, "Oh my God!"  or "Jesus!".  That is calling His name out in vain when you have no reason.  He's a busy guy and you can't just waste His time like that...when you call, He stops whatever He is doing and gives you His attention.  When you call out His name for no reason it is calling His name in vain.  Sorry, had to clear that up before proceeding.  Now, on with my tirade...

  You know, there have seriously been many times that I have contemplated leaving this world since I got sick...this is one of them.  I am so tired of being sick all of the time, not being able to work, not having any money and being alone.  I miss my family so much and my state, my home.  I don't belong here and I don't know what the hell I am still doing here.  I really should just have a huge yard sale, make enough cash to make it back to NC and go home.  The lease on this house ends in March and if I make it til then, that is probably what I should do.

I don't know why I have been so optimistic that my disability case will be decided in my favor.  What is wrong with me?  I watched them deny my Mama over and over for six years when she applied for COPD.  When she died her death certificate said, COD- COPD.  Then three months later we got this approval letter in the mail from SSA.  I wanted to murder someone!  They aren't going to approve mine either; who the hell do I think I am fooling?  I need to get a grip on reality.  They are gonna throw me away just like they did her, wait until I die and then say ok you can have it.  Convenient.  Well, I have news for them.  I won't appeal over and over again.  I'll just put a freakin bullet in my head and say f-you to all of ya.

I give up.  I've had enough.