I need to say that it has been some time since my last entry as I recently found myself in a place where I needed to step back from the site and blog for a while.   I took some time to reflect on my situation and evaluate just what I hoped to accomplish, both for the site and for myself and found both lacking miserably. 

The truth is that when I first started the site I wanted desperately to help others like myself, who were sick and needed help.  What I failed to realize is that someone who themselves desperately needs help is the last person anyone would turn to when they need it.  Although I wasn't as sick as I am now when I started it, I suppose the only one I was fooling was myself.  The site languishes as do I and I almost took it down completely the other day just because I needed the monthly fee I send Yahoo to keep it up in my budget.  I didn't cancel it though, out of hope that just one person will be helped by it. 

I do realize; however, that I am in no position to help anyone right now as I cannot even help myself.  I struggled to maintain a positive attitude until the very end but my situation became so lost that it was impossible and I apologize to anyone reading this who expected more. 

The awful truth is that I too am lost as to what to do.  In January when I left my husband it never occurred to me that in less than a year I wouldn't be able to work any longer, that I would have no income to support myself, or that there would be no place to turn for help.  Afterall, I had managed for years to work while sick and didn't realize that  it would get this bad.  I had always just "sucked it up and did what I had to do" and never considered that I wouldn't be able to continue to do so, especially if my very survival depended on it.  I was wrong.  It did get worse and I wasn't able to just "suck it up".  Worst of all, I underestimated greatly the avenues of assistance available to me.  I always thought that I would qualify for some kind of assistance from somewhere...the state, the government...someone.  I was wrong.  My case will probably be denied as Allsup has done a terrible job of representing me.  I am told that the case has been decided on and is in review before notifying me.  I am not optimistic of the outcome.

So, I will not be dedicating every waking moment to the site for now as I have to figure out what I am going to do.  Since I cannot pay my bills and can get no help, despite writing every government agency I can think of begging for it, no help is coming.  I have lost my dignity and my self worth, am out of meds with no money to refill them and in all actuallity am living on borrowed time so I give up.

I hope that anyone reading this finds the help they need and if you learn anything from my situtation, it is that you can't rely on anyone to help you, regardless of how sick you are or how desperately you need help.  Don't be naive and believe that help will come from somewhere because it doesn't always.   Some of us just become a disposable part of society.  Regardless of how much we submit to this world in our youthful and healthy parts of our lives, we still become disposable should we for some reason not be able to contribute any longer, despite all good intentions, etc.  For some this comes with age.  for some it comes with illness.  Regardless, it comes.  Denial doesn't stop it.  Eventually we all must face it, some just sooner than others.

I pray that someday I find my way back to the living and once again have something worthwhile to contribute.  Meanwhile, I wish you all the best in your search.

Tammy Elaine