Well, I woke up to the usual this morning with the exception that my roommate had sprayed Fabreeze so my lungs were burning so bad that I couldn't breathe.  Why don't people get it?  How many times do I have to say how sensitive I am to sprays, odors, etc?  Do I have to cough up a lung to make my point?  Please don't spray freakin' air freshners so much around me!!!!

Ok.  Now I feel better.  After my air freshner induced coughing spell I did my usual routine which includes reading my CEO emails from "Web Pro News", etc.   Of course, I totally get it, my only problem is that I don't have the cash for it.  Since the good ole' days of "build it and they will list it" are long gone, I am at a loss as to how to optimize a site about Fibromyalgia with no advertising budget.  I have noticed that my "social networking" is bringing some traffic in, my conversion rate sucks, which is another problem all to itself.  The past several days I have tried to work on the site but the fog has been too dense and even the simplest of tasks have proven too challenging for my fibro-fogged brain, so I just let it sit.  Today I am going to try again and we'll see how it goes.

Looking at my traffic logs, referral links and search engine keywords used to access the site, I gain a great deal of insight as to what kind of information my vistiors are looking for and that helps.  I can then adjust my tag cloud, write fresh content to address these needs and then address these changes in my social networking.    All of this provides more useful site info for my vistitors, I know, but still, there is the problem of conversion which I still need to address.  This is something I really need to research and I hope to have some answers on the issue soon, depending on how dense the fog is.

If you visit the site regularly then you are aware that I try to update it just about every day but lately I haven't had the brain skills to do so.  This is what FM does to you...it takes your brain and turns it into mush so that even the simplest of tasks is overwhelming.  A few topics that I plan to address more indepth soon on the site include "coping with a spouse with FM", Urinary problems and "how to make people understand the effects of FM".  (Of course, I still haven't quite figured out the last one yet or I wouldn't be waking up to a choking cloud of Fabreeze in the morning!)   

Other than the dense fog, other problems of late include my meds not helping as much with the pain and a few migraines, (which are the cause of the fog being worse lately as I had a severe migraine on Thursday evening that lasted into Friday afternoon), IBS and another episode of the Hives, (which is caused by nerves).  My next appointment with my neurologist is the 22nd.  and I plan to have a serious chat with Dr. Harney, as I feel like he really let me down on the disability case.  My paperwork sat at DDS for 25 days awaiting information requested from his office.  What the hell do I pay him for?  OMG it irks me to no end!   I don't have a clue as to what his office did finally tell DDS, if it helped my case or not, so I plan to ask him straight out and will not be put off about it.  We're going to discuss what exactly is being put in my records and when I leave he is going to have a better understanding as to how I feel, the problems I experience and what I expect from him and if he cannot rise to the occasion then he can refer me to another physician who will.  I am tired of this crap and jumping through hoops for nothing. 

It is just like my mama's disability case all over again...where I couldn't understand how a doctor could look her in the eye, tell her she had six months to live and then not support her disability case at all!  How can a doctor diagnose and treat a person for a disease for which there is no cure, prescribe methadone, lyrica and hydrocodone for pain due to it's severity, aricept for dementia and cognituve dysfunction, verapamil for severe migrains that cause debilitating strokes and then not support a freaking disability claim!!!!?????  Oh, please would someone just shoot me?  It is enough to boogle a clear mind, never mind one as fogged out as mine!

Never-the-less, the case is still at DDS so only time will tell....meanwhile, my life goes farther and farther into the toilet.  I get so tired of just existing everyday in a constant battle to gather enough strength to get up and put dishes in the dishwasher.  I sit here in this bed day in and day out without the energy or motivation to do more than get up and go to the bathroom.  I am so sick of it.  If the disability case is not approved then I am really fubared.  This isn't at all how I hoped my life would turnout.  I remember being young, full of energy and daring, ready to conquer the world...how I got to be 44 and stuck in this damn bed I don't know.  You can attribute this illness to any number of devistating life events, take your pick as I have not had it easy; however, just where my body was overcome and FM took root, I don't know.  What to do next is a bigger question as I really don't feel that a life like this is worth living.  That is the only thing I do know for sure.  There is not enjoyment, no happiness, no pleasure in living with fibromyalgia that is this severe.  So, while DDS sits on their ass taking their own sweet time deciding my fate, I am deciding if I want to continue living at all.  I swear, I know for sure that right now the only thing that keeps me from getting in my car and running her into the Lewisville Lake is my dog.  Knowing that there would be noone to take care of her if I weren't here really is the only thing that keeps me here at all. 

This is what Fibromyalgia will do to you.  Take a look.  It's not pretty.  It's not cheery and rosebuds, is it?  You know what?  I don't care.  I try so hard to help people with the site so that maybe just one less person will end up living like I have to.  Noone cares.  It's not even a plauseable difference that I make by my efforts.  So why try?  Anyone reading this needs to take a long look at their life.  If you are blessed with good health then you better be damn thankful for it because there are people who suffer just to get out of the bed.   We hurt, we struggle and no one gives a rat's ass about it.  Maybe I won't work on the site today...who would notice if I didn't?  Who the hell do I think I am fooling?  Probably just myself.

You know, it is so hard to be all smiley and happy when you can't find one good reason to live yet another day.  When a little dog is your only reason for not checking out then there are problems.  I am smart enough to realize that.  I am sorry if everyone reading this finds this blog to be a "downer".  Too bad, so sad.  Try living in this body one day then pass your judgements, I don't care.   If I hear one more person tell me that "I can turn lemons into lemonade" then I am going to scream!  What is it about this world that we cannot even recognize the suffering of those closest to us?  My X-husband didn't get it, my roomate doesn't get it and my doctors sure as hell don't get it.  What is it going to take to get someone to care enough to listen?  And how am I supposed to write useful and helpful content for a website that noone sees because I have no cash to advertise it, when I can't accomplish the same in my own life.  How am I supposed to help anyone else when I don't even know the answers?  Am I in the Matrix or what?

Ok.  Enough!  It does no good anyway.

I will pick myself up, suck it up and get it done, like I always do.  So, it sucks to be me.  The world goes on just the same with little notice.  Do you think that Celebrity Bakery missed one beat because I walked out on my job?  Nope.  Do you think that my family misses out on anything of value because I am 900 miles away?  Nope.  And do you think that the people at DDS will lose one minutes sleep if they deny my claim and pretty much put me out on the streets?  Nope.  Suck it up, Tammy Elaine.  Just suck it up.

And that's what I am going to do, not that anyone will notice.